jessica lee writes so now.
i am hitched. with an "i will" and an "i will" and a kiss to seal the deal, i am now hitched. and i have officially started my family. getting hitched brings up all sorts of interesting things related to family though. especially when your family is a bit broken. for many, getting married is a family affair. which may be why for me, i never really envisioned a big wedding. i always thought. how could i have a traditional, large church wedding when my family is fractured? would i even want to invite any? and how many family members, if any, would i have sitting on my side of the aisle? inevitably, in my mind, the wedding party and guests for bride versus groom would be lopsided. few on my side, many on his. so eloping always seemed most ideal. we came kinda close to that. a destination wedding. but not without drama. family drama. of course. a few weeks removed though, i still pondering family. not necessarily when i will grow my own in the way everyone seems to ask about (and ask so soon about!) or expect for us to move toward the near term. i thinking about re piecing bits of it. like now that i found my mother on twitter. could that be a sign? holy cow. my burberry online store mother is on twitter. over lunch earlier, i commented to b., simply, "there are lots of families out together today." everywhere i looked, it was dads and sons. entire families. there were lots of families out. it was just an observation. days like this, do you think about your dad?" he asked. of course, the answer was yes. absolutely, yes. it been nine years since he passed so the sharp pain of sadness on father day has dulled some. but it still hits me every year. and it hit me pretty quickly this morning. woke up today and did my typical weekend morning routine. b. always wakes up a little before me. so i took a moment to enjoy the bed all to myself. i rolled over to grab my phone and scanned the headlines. i scrolled through work emails. i scrolled through personal emails. and then i scrolled through facebook to see who was up and what everyone was up to this morning. update after update was about fathers day. i scrolled and scrolled, only stopping to "like" one comment, a friend whose status mentioned missing his pops who passed away three years ago. yep. happy father day. i always think really fondly of my friends who also are without fathers today. like that particular friend. and others. i feel a particular closeness to them that they may not know about. but it true. my heart breaks a little for them because i get it. i totally understand. it too soon, much to early for me or others to have already lost of fathers. it shouldn happen this early. it sucks. and i could have done the same, post something in memory of my own father. but really, on my wall today, i probably be silent. not that i bitter. not that i really sad today. it just that mostly, i think it confusing for others. i don want people to stumble across my wall post today and pause wondering. should they comment? should they like the post? or do they scroll past it and go on with celebrating their own father today? the appropriate response to death whether recent or long since past it always a little confusing. frankly, confusion is much of what burberry jackets outlet online i feel about my dad. he was my dad. he was the only father i knew. but was he perfect? far from it. was he a good man? i think so. but i also remember a whole lot of fighting related to what were seen as his downfalls. and now that i am old enough to have strong opinions on what i believe a man, husband, and father should be, it particularly confusing because while i understand some of the fighting and probably would be just as infuriated if faced with a man like him today and in my present circumstances. i also understand how difficult it must have been for him, not to mention stifling. it confusing, and it complex. which is exactly why i wonder what it would be like telling his other daughter about him. "so, hey." i might say to this other sister of mine. whom i never met. but hope to some day. "hi. it nice to meet you. can you believe we share the same dad.? i know. you never really got to meet him or know him. when you were a year or so old, he left. met my mom. i was born a bit later. and i spent the majority of my life with him. yeah. i know. i sorry about that. so what was he like? well." i play that conversation out in my head sometimes, not quite sure which direction it could go. will she be mad at me that i had him my entire life as a present father while she did not? i couldn fault her if she were still angry. but will she want to know about him? and if yes, i always wonder how much to tell. do i tell her only the good? is it better to paint a picture for her in his memory, for his sake of a great man? or does burberry montreal outlet that just rub it in? or do i tell her the good, the bad, and the ugly? do i just tell the truth? for now, at least, the conversation remains make believe. in my head. so no decisions have to be made now about how i package and present him. but slowly, i growing muster to bring that reality and hopefully that conversation to life. so it been a while since i have written anything on this bloggy. a year and a half actually. and i been asked why. (by my three fans who read it. hi, hi, hi, to each of you!) long answer short of late, i not needed an outlet as much. i happy. over the moon happy. and life just suddenly seems so much less complicated. my mind is clear. i don feel the need to over analyze which is what much of this blog felt like in the past. an issue would pop into my mind, i go into analysis mode, then spend a bit of time over analyzing, then falling into analysis paralysis, and then the issue would still sit unresolved but at least in the process of writing and over analyzing, i was able to get tears out so it felt like something was resolved. it was cathartic at least. but that seems so unnecessary of late. (and no i not taking xanax.) but i miss writing. of course there fistful of talent and that a lovely outlet for me professionally. but i still miss writing. so i contemplating a return. and contemplating writing way, deep down from the bottom of my heart as i consider embarking on a new family related journey. not starting my own family, necessarily. but discovering and chronicling my own as i don want to lose any of the memories. it was an idea, born over a meal of korean food and the burberry accessories result of talk of wanting to bone up on our korean language skills (which admittedly stink.) but what an interesting little experiment this has become. thought was to start a twitter feed dedicated to learning new vocabulary words in korean. one word a day. we provide the world spelled in korean. a romanized pronunciation. + the definition. and it taken on a life of it own. none of the logical choices were available to me. and 319 tweets later, 77 days after we got started, we have 1,161 followers and the community continues to grow. find people who are interested in similar issues. build influence by sharing knowledge. and so now? we have relationships with over a thousand people who were complete strangers previously brought together by shared interests. and i think there a lesson in here for my HR and recruiting friends. think on it a bit though. let it stir in that brain of yours. stay tuned. very recently, i realized that somewhere along the line my expectations have lowered greatly. and i now understand why people think i jaded already. it kind of sad. 22! can you believe that? looking back now, it was a crazy move. i had six who reported to me and i was clueless. it was your classic example of taking someone who was "technically" sound and a great subject matter expert, and then asking that person to then manage others who did that same work. and it works in some situations but in many others, it doesn back to me though. my biggest struggle in managing people? they failed to meet my expectations, and often. it was my expectation that everyone would produce as much as i did. i expected that everyone would produce at the level of quality that i did. and i expected that everyone else should be just as committed as i was. everyone can be like you, jessica," i was told. which was a fine and dandy response. but i still wondered, do i lower my expectations? the answer then was no, that i shouldn lower my expectations. rather, we worked on trying to find better ways to get people to where i expected them to be. and that took a lot of effort. some would eventually get closer to meeting my expectations. but would never meet my expectations at which point we had to decide whether to cut our losses. keeping my expectations in place and getting others to rise to them, that was the right approach in that first gig i had as a people manager. but i just realizing right now that somewhere along the line, failed expectation after failed expectation has caused me to just lower or completely give up on having expectations the workplace, and with personal relationships too. when you cut people a lot of slack, or when you have little to no expectations of people it impossible for them to fail you. and in those rare moments where they do show up and meet your non existent expectations, you blown away and left in awe of how great they are which of course is a way nicer feeling than not having your expectations met. but when you get to the place i at jaded is what i think we can call this here what happens. you possibly begin allowing people to not treat you well. accept mediocrity. you are apathetic. you accept anything and anyone to come as they are because few, or maybe one meets your expectations anyways. you believe people to be shitty, or dumb, or whatever it means to lack the goods to meet your expectations. and then potentially, you are left surrounded by people who suck. you don expect any better, after all. learn to be very accepting and forgiving and you figure out how to work around them. maybe even bitter or angry. yes! i just might finally be pissed off about these low or non existent expectations because that the only appropriate response and feeling when you have your eyes opened to what someone meeting and exceeding your non existent expectations. i had my socks knocked off without my even expecting or demanding it. can you believe that? and now? i left wondering how and why i let my expectations fall in the first place. well, i be a big fat liar if i said i didn think it was a big deal to have landed on the pages of a national magazine. seriously.
glamour magazine, folks. for real! page 253, the october 2009 issue, the focus being on pay transparency. you shouldn have to guess what side of the issue i can down on.
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